5 Years of ED Recovery
Every year, December 27th is a reminder to me of how far I’ve come, and how far I have left to go. Five years ago today was my first day of eating disorder treatment. It feels like both a lifetime and a second ago. I was 16, afraid, angry, and really just broken. I walked in the door of the doctor’s office and started what I thought would be a quick, few month-long process. Never did I think that five years later, I would still be battling ED every day. But, I also never thought that I would be able to watch God use my experience to help other people. I’ve learned a lot over the last five years, I probably grew up a lot faster than I would’ve otherwise, and I’ve made a lot of mistakes.
I’ve reached a point in recovery that I can only describe as this: I’m not all the way there, but this year, for the first time since all of this began, I realized that I know I can eventually get rid of this completely. Several people have told me over the years that my eating disorder will never go away entirely and I’ll just have to live with bits and pieces of the mental struggle forever. But, I met two people this year, who together changed my perspective on this and made me believe that one day, it will be over. I don’t know when God will take this cup from me. But, this year I realized that all I can do is wait, trust Him, and try to help other people who are in the same boat.
It’s important to notice the victories, as well as the trials. No matter how hard I try not to be, I’m naturally a bit of a pessimist. I always notice the negatives, and sometimes forget to pay attention to the positives. This applies to my recovery too. On the days where I am struggling immensely with anxiety and crippling body/food struggles, I forget to turn my feet around and see the mountain that I’ve climbed. 5 years ago I was lonely, isolated, joyless, and afraid. Now, despite my continued struggle, I’ve found joy, love, honesty, and friendship. It’s an uphill battle, but just because you haven’t reached the top of the mountain yet, doesn’t mean you’re not almost there!
I want to encourage anyone who is also in a battle inside their mind, anyone who feels like they’ve been fighting a fight for so long, anyone who is struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes. I’m right there with you, and I believe that it will one day end for us. Never give up, don’t lose sight of hope, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Love you!